My Next Life by George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out
of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get
kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work
40 years until you’re too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9
months floating peacefully in Spa-like conditions – Central heating, room
service on tap, and then…

You finish off as an orgasm.

Some Guy’s Online Dating Ad.

I live in Los Angeles, and will be visiting China soon.

You want to see the world, and have the means to do it. You’re not distracted by television, fashion, memes, marketing, or hype. You think differently without being obnoxious, myopic, or nerdy.

I’m 6ft6in tall, 290lbs, no tattoos, and no piercings. I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. I definitely don’t want to be a step-dad, and I’ve had a Vasectomy. I’m debt-free, drug-free, disease-free, and circumcised. I have no criminal record, I don’t smoke, and rarely drink. I spend most of my money on restaurants, and traveling. I live 70 miles east of Los Angeles, and own a barren, empty, 880sqft, upstairs, flat, with no furniture, and a mattress on the floor. I’m a Truck Driver in Hollywood, and commute during odd hours in a beat 05 Rav4, or lane-split through 75 miles of stopped freeway traffic on a filthy 09 Sportster.

I’m quiet, dyslexic, left-handed, a nympho, an auditory learner, and an only child. I take college classes at night, online, or on the weekends for fun. I like museums, tombstones of forgotten heroes, nonfiction, audiobooks, Morrissey, alternative-media podcasts, and SiriusXM. I hate dogs watching me eat, 3-Series drivers, gravel trucks, political parties, meaningless banter, and hype.

I’m Read_Travel on the big dating sites, and Brian Stackhouse everywhere else.

I was 120lbs lighter, and used to spend 3 hours a day doing cardio 7 days a week so I’d be awesome in bed. I’ll have to find another motivation for utilizing my multiple gym memberships; because everyone thinks they’re smart, a good driver, or good in bed. While a good meal has been more rewarding than being thin, I intend on having a 2nd act.

I’ve finished at least 5 nonfiction audiobooks every week for the last 20 years; and in that time I’ve given up on twice as many that didn’t interest me. As I drive for work, commute to work, and commute to school; nonfiction audiobooks are my world away from the traffic, the road rage, and the judgment of those hurried west-siders who probably cringe at the thought of being me.

I love truck driving because I’m free to spend my time thinking about the things I choose. Many “educated” people don’t see a truck driver as being their equal, ironically their perceptions save us both some time. I make 90k, working 4 days a week. My schedule is extremely flexible, and I have nothing tying me down. This makes cheap flights, and random travel deals almost irresistible. I could make over 150k if I had to, but having a reason to rush home would be preferable. I want to be more than just a steady paycheck, or a sturdy sperm donor to some bored, suburban, working-woman that’s looking for a man to make her laugh. I’d like to think that I haven’t given up on finding a wife, but my 4XLT shirts from JC Penny foretell something else.

I’ve traveled to more countries than I can remember. I like researching cheap international flights, and possible itineraries when I’m stuck someplace dull. Since my parents are deceased, a goal of mine is to acquire transferable skills so I can live anywhere in the world someday; hopefully before I become a faded copy of the man I am today.

I’m a very hard sell. It seems that money has never gotten me anything more than liberty; and only my own ignorance to that, has ever taken away from life’s freedoms. I value experiencing, and learning new things over possessions, and status. Notwithstanding, I still strongly believe in personal property rights, and the 2nd amendment.

Conversely, as I begin to look back with a broadening vantage onto the meandering path that brought me here. I can clearly see now that at no time did I ever choose; the internal motivations or people, that gave my life the most meaning.

Being born, and living my entire life in the Los Angeles area; has unjustly led me to believe sometimes, that most people don’t know how to be happy with themselves without trashing others; and that the nuclear family was a romanticized notion that never actually existed; supposing I know these things not to be true.

I’ve learned the hard way that thinking the universe was meaningless, and completely random; only led to more of the same wasteful behaviors in my own life. I’m not at all religious; however, I would rather spend the rest of my life alone; than bring one more child into this world that does not grow up in an intact loving home, with a strong faith in God.

While my gifts, choices, and experiences have set me apart, and kept me estranged from others; I’m still hopeful because I’ve learned the most from the people I thought I’d least want to meet. Therefore I try not to believe everything I think.

When I wander from what I know, I feel as though this journey is my own, and in that moment I feel anything but alone. When I think about all the things I love about life, I feel indescribably loved. I’m grateful for the time you’ve given me. I share this awkward writing of a simple life with you in the hope that its beauty is mutually appreciated, for my truths might be the only thing I’ll ever have to offer you. Take care….

How Not To Be “That Guy” When Invited On a Friend’s Boat

Hey! You’ve been invited to go boating with your friends! Folks with boats know people will start coming out of the woodwork the moment they buy a boat and are usually more than happy to have some others along. But there are a few rules you need to follow in order to get invited back.  Keep in mind, boats aren’t cheap to buy or maintain. Also marine gas ain’t cheap either and someone will be cleaning up a house full of tracked in lake mud after your adventure. They’re spending time and money to take you out so don’t act like some D-bag at a frat party.

Here’s a couple of rules to ensure you’ll receive future invites. (Note: When I say guy, I mean guys and girls, I’m from Michigan it’s what we do.)

1) Food – Don’t be the guy that brings one bag of pretzel rods for a full day of boating. Eventually you will get hungry (especially after a few beverages) and when you do you will have to depend on the kindness of others to be fed properly. Mainly because they don’t want your drunk ass passing out due to lack of proper nutrition or falling off the boat. Consider bringing a sub sandwich, chopped fruit, veggies, chips or some other easy to transport food. Be gracious when someone does offer you their food and don’t just take for granted that the host/hostess is supposed to feed you unless this was specifically implied.

2) Drinks – Always bring twice what you can drink. Boating is a communal affair and you may have to share a couple beers. (Because there’s always the person who came completely empty handed or underestimated their ability to consume beverages on a hot day). Also don’t show up with just drinks, put them in a cooler and cover them with ice. Unless you’re bringing Fireball, we’ll make room in our cooler for that. And drink a water every now and again. Proper hydration will ensure that you don’t get too intoxicated and be “That Guy.”

3) Guests – Did you tell the captain you were bringing a friend/dog/child on their boat? Bringing tag-alongs without notice is a big no-no. Maybe that extra will overcrowd the boat, or pee on the carpet (I mean the dog not the friend) and some situations just aren’t kid friendly. Besides, now you are personally responsible for the care and feeding of your guest. You’re going to have to share your warm 6 pack and pretzel rods between 2 people now. Always check with your host/hostess before dragging along a sidekick. Yes, even you, beloved friend.

4) Smoking – Always ask before lighting up on someone’s boat. Once again these are expensive machines, and just because they’re open air doesn’t mean it’s ok. Owners always fear that some drunk may put a burn hole in the seat. Be considerate and ask first and NEVER throw your butts in the water.

5) Littering – Speaking of throwing things in the water. Absolutely nothing goes into the water that is not seaweed. Orange rinds, peanut shells, and such are no big deal but be mindful of your beer caps, cigarette butts, wrappers and cans. Litter is destructive and disgusting. In fact if you find a piece of trash in the water, pick it up and put it in a trash bin. Don’t be a piggy.

6) Be Prepared – Be sure you’ve brought all you need for fun in the sun. This includes sunscreen, sunglasses, chapstick, and a towel along with your food and drinks. Trust your friends when they say you need sunscreen or a water.

7) The Captain – OK here’s the deal: The captain is in charge of the boat. (The captain may not always be the one in the drivers seat) If he/she says it’s time to go, it’s time to go. If they ask you to move, sit down or shut up, do it. As fun and relaxing as boating is, it is the captains job to ensure the safety of all the people on their boat and they are liable for you. Also, the captain chooses the music or appoints a DJ, end of story.

8) Safety – If you feel a “Hold my beer and watch this” moment coming up, just say no. Do not push anyone out of a moving boat or jump out of a moving boat. Do not hang out by the motor of a running boat. Don’t try a double back flip off the platform. Don’t sit on the rails at high speeds. In other words don’t be dumb.

9) Passenger Etiquette – Respect the boat! Don’t step on seats, only hard surfaces if possible. Leave coolers on the floor. Don’t bring any glass on board.  Respect equipment including paddle boards and floats. Don’t play with any buttons or switches. Don’t try to start the boat while the captain is away. Don’t try to “help” unless the captain asks you to.

10) Don’t be late – Nothing is more tiresome than sitting with a boat full of people waiting on that one person who didn’t plan ahead. We could be out having fun, but no we’re still at the dock because you just texted “On My Way!” from inside the beer store. Have some respect for your friends and get there when you are supposed to.

11) Disembarking – Don’t stand up until the boat is fully secure. Make sure you grab everything you brought with you on the boat. Make sure all trash has been cleared and put it in a proper place at the house. Ask for help if you need it.

Oh and if you get invited out regularly, offer to chip in for gas. A gas station gift card is the easy way to make this happen. That’s it for now friends! Please let me know if you think of something else I can add!

(Update: A friend also mentioned that you should use spray sunscreen BEFORE getting on the boat. Sunscreen spray makes seats sticky and hard to clean. The lotion kind is better for your skin and the environment anyway.)